I'm Dating My Best Friend's Ex

So I'm dating my best friend's ex. This is possibly the worst thing I could have ever done right? This breaks the biggest girl code.  How could I be such a bitch?

Well, I'm tired of being a doormat, that's why.

But, here's a little history and background for those who care (if not, resume at the *):
I've known this guy for almost four years now.  Our junior year of high school, I met both him and my best friend on the same day.  I thought he was cute and I thought she was super nice.  With all my friends just having moved to the new school in the district and my old group slowly shattering, I jumped on the chance to make new friends.  I was super crushing hard on this guy and I told all my new girl friends, them also gushing about their own high school crushes.  I didn't really know how to talk to guys at the time though and it seemed like every encounter I had with him was so nerve-racking for me.  He was super sweet about it though!  Second semester hit and so did another bomb: my best friend and my crush were dating!  She hadn't even bothered to tell me because she was afraid to hurt my feelings and I had to hear it from another friend.  I was a little hurt at first, but I had only been crushing on the guy for a few months and I loved seeing her happy so I let it go.  I didn't want to start drama.  Our friend group, but it was more of a second family, as we still call it today, was growing, adding his guy-friends and all of our gal-pals.  We were a force to be reckoned with: football games, dances, late night food runs, and summer camping trips.  I had a boyfriend and a couple flings come and go.  We had a couple other break ups rock the group, but in one the girl left and got engrossed in college, and the other got back together a few months later.
Then my best friend started telling me about this other guy.  He really liked her and she felt bad about hanging out and texting him, but her boyfriend was being lazy and not being there for her when she needed it.  At this point, I would say I was equally best friends with both her and my old crush, but he wasn't my crush anymore, he was just Cole.  We had really similar personalities and never felt awkward around each other (except when my best friend would joke about me being flirty with him. NOTE: He was flirty with all the girls in our group and I was flirty with all the guys in our group. It's how we functioned.  We were all too close to be any other way.).
So when she cheated on Cole (kissing the other guy), it hit me hard.  I struggled to try and comfort both of them, obviously giving more time to my best friend, but also trying to keep an ear open for Cole.  My advice was always honest:
"Should we get back together?" "If you want to. It's gonna play out however its meant to be no matter what."
"I can't believe he didn't tell me that when we were dating!" "I can't either, what a jerk!"
"Every girl I've been with has cheated on me." "I'm so sorry,  That wasn't right of her."
They were both my best friends! I was not going to pick sides. We were sophomores in college for pete's sake, this wasn't silly high school drama anymore.
But I had drama festering inside that was begging to get out.
I liked Cole.
And as awful as it may seem, I realized it when their relationship started getting rocky.  We all got drunk one night and I cuddled him when we pushed all the beds together in the hotel room.  I woke up the next morning with the worst guilty feeling in my stomach and knew it wasn't right.  "Oh God, I still like him," I realized.  "Even after 2 years".  I didn't tell anyone for a whole month, which is hard for me because I cannot keep a secret.  I let myself think on it, make sure it was true, and then I told two of my friends: Katy and Jake.
Katy was not happy.  "How long has this been going on?" "He's taken!" "You have to make it stop."
And I knew she was right.  So I shoved it down, just like I did three years ago.  It was a little harder the second time.
Jake was a little less worried.  After many questions and discussion, he said, "You can't help how you feel, I believe you.  If it works out, then it works out, but it might not either."  We talked for what seemed like forever on the pros and cons of both scenarios and it soon same to be clear that both sides were awful.  A few more months passed by.  Their break up finite, along with my feelings, unfortunately.  What had changed, was how I viewed the situation.

*No matter what I decided to do, someone was going to be hurt.  If I didn't do anything, it would be me.  If I did, it would be my best friend.  So it was time to evaluate.
Choosing to express my feelings was a jump into the unknown.  I didn't know if Cole felt the same way.  I didn't know how my best friend would react.  I didn't know how it would affect my friend group.
But on the other hand, keeping it in, and pretending I didn't feel that way was going to be painful as well as nearly impossible.  Cole read me like a book, he always knew when I was upset or when I was lying.  I realized my secret wouldn't last long anyway.
Well what about all the usual questions:
What about girl code? A true friend would want her friend to be happy.
How can you not think about how they were intimate? I'm not gonna lie and say I never have, but I hardly do and it doesn't bother me.  I've been with a few guys too.  I'm not going to judge someone based on their past.
How can you be that girl?  What girl? That girl who decided to put her own feelings first for once.  That girl who waited 2 months after the break up to be honest.  That girl who decided to go outside of societal norms.  I'm never going to apologize for being that girl.
Why didn't you ask permission first? Does she own him? Their relationship is over.  She can't make decisions in his love life anymore.  (this is not to say, I didn't tell her and let her find out on her own. This is just to say that, you should not feel guilty for falling for someone. Ever.)

Well what happened?
It turns out Cole knew anyway.  He felt something on that drunk night too as much as he hates to admit it.  And when he broke up with his girlfriend, that feeling developed into a full fledged crush.  Then Katy told him a week or so later about my feelings, but he didn't tell her he felt the same way.  Instead, he waited.  To be nice to his ex, to not bombard me, and to ease the load of drama that was ultimately going to blow up.
But when the first week of January rolled around after a lovely New Years Eve party with a little to much touching from Cole and the most provocative elevator ride of my life ["I'm a really good kisser, but I guess you'll never know"], I was done.  I was more confused than ever and ready to get 'The Talk' over with.
I met him at his place and having built myself up in the car to thinking he didn't actually like me and it was all in my head, I was floored with his response: "Well this is awkward, but I like you too".
Great. Now what?
A pissed best friend who doesn't talk to me.  A group of shocked and not so shocked friends who support us.  And a wonderful new boyfriend.

Not bad.

Does my story sound similar to something you're going through? Here's some advice:
1) Be honest.  Don't try and hide anything.  Be straight up about how you feel to all pertinent individuals and let them know you care about them too.
2) Know that it's going to suck no matter what. (see * above) You can't make everyone happy.  I decided to make myself happy, but it wasn't all roses from there on out.  You will have to deal with other people's comments and your own mixed feelings.  Take it one day it a time.
3) Stand true to your convictions.  Make a choice and stick with it.  You can't go back once you tell him how you feel, so make sure its a good decision.  Take into account all your feelings from your head, heart, and gut.

-Nikki