Hey 25 year old Me,
You keep telling yourself you've changed so much over your short 20 years, but more so just in the past 3. I wonder what you're like in 5?
Who are your friends now? Do you still hang out with your "second family"? Your roommates from college? Or an entirely different crew I have yet to meet?
How is your family? I hope you still call your mom all the time, you know she loves talking to you. You guys are so similar, its scary. I'm sure Blair is growing into a beautiful young lady, of mind, body, and spirit. I hope she continued her dream of animal studies or found something just as engaging for her. She is so fragile right now, no matter how much she denies it, and I can't wait to see her grow even stronger because of what she's faced. The boy that took his life also took a lot of her happiness with her, but I know that she will find someone who will make her forget him for a while. I only have the highest of hopes for David as well. He made you so angry and distraught, but you could never stop loving him. His OVIs affected you more than you'll ever admit. I only see his life going up from this point and I have the greatest confidence that it will. Watching your father grow softer and grayer as the years go by has been both depressing and gratifying to watch. Is he still the superhero he is to you now?
What about your love life? Don't tell me you're still with that Cameron boy..... but are you? That would actually be pretty cool. He just told me he loved me last week. Its easy to say I'm head over heels. If not though, are you dating anyone else? Is dating as hard as the movies make it seem? Or maybe you're engaged? Married?! That would be insane, but definitely not unlike how you always dreamed it. No matter what though, I hope you're happy!
If you tell me you have a kid, I'm gonna freak out. You don't even know if you like kids right now and you're pretty sure babies can smell your fear. I mean, you're confident on the outside about it, but deep down, their fragility makes you so nervous.
What is your job like? Those last two years of nursing school didn't get any easier did they? Did you pass boards? Are you working in a hospital with baby-mamas like you thought you would or did you choose something entirely different?
Where do you live? Somehow I picture you in a 2 bedroom apartment in a bustling city or edge of a suburb, not to far away from your job, but just far away to enjoy your life outside of it.
Are you still religious? You technically identify catholic, but I see that you're growing away a little bit. Did you look into any other ones? Buddhism has been peaking your interest lately, but you don't have enough time to do that right now.
How are you mentally? These past couple years have been really hard for me, I feel so drained by struggling at OSU, to transferring, to dealing with your siblings' crap, your mother's emotional pendulum, your dad's strict painful logic, the near passing of one of your friends, and your own suicidal thoughts. Its so easy to say how happy I am right now with 3 great friends I'm moving into an apartment with in July, a wonderful boyfriend who treats me like a million bucks, and great potential looming ahead. But its also easy to say that I'm struggling: with school, with body image, with family problems, and with fear for what lies ahead. I know that you can do it though, these demons are small compared to how many people love and care about you. Always remember that.
Best of luck,
Me, age 20
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
I'm Dating My Best Friend's Ex
So I'm dating my best friend's ex. This is possibly the worst thing I could have ever done right? This breaks the biggest girl code. How could I be such a bitch?
Well, I'm tired of being a doormat, that's why.
But, here's a little history and background for those who care (if not, resume at the *):
I've known this guy for almost four years now. Our junior year of high school, I met both him and my best friend on the same day. I thought he was cute and I thought she was super nice. With all my friends just having moved to the new school in the district and my old group slowly shattering, I jumped on the chance to make new friends. I was super crushing hard on this guy and I told all my new girl friends, them also gushing about their own high school crushes. I didn't really know how to talk to guys at the time though and it seemed like every encounter I had with him was so nerve-racking for me. He was super sweet about it though! Second semester hit and so did another bomb: my best friend and my crush were dating! She hadn't even bothered to tell me because she was afraid to hurt my feelings and I had to hear it from another friend. I was a little hurt at first, but I had only been crushing on the guy for a few months and I loved seeing her happy so I let it go. I didn't want to start drama. Our friend group, but it was more of a second family, as we still call it today, was growing, adding his guy-friends and all of our gal-pals. We were a force to be reckoned with: football games, dances, late night food runs, and summer camping trips. I had a boyfriend and a couple flings come and go. We had a couple other break ups rock the group, but in one the girl left and got engrossed in college, and the other got back together a few months later.
Then my best friend started telling me about this other guy. He really liked her and she felt bad about hanging out and texting him, but her boyfriend was being lazy and not being there for her when she needed it. At this point, I would say I was equally best friends with both her and my old crush, but he wasn't my crush anymore, he was just Cole. We had really similar personalities and never felt awkward around each other (except when my best friend would joke about me being flirty with him. NOTE: He was flirty with all the girls in our group and I was flirty with all the guys in our group. It's how we functioned. We were all too close to be any other way.).
So when she cheated on Cole (kissing the other guy), it hit me hard. I struggled to try and comfort both of them, obviously giving more time to my best friend, but also trying to keep an ear open for Cole. My advice was always honest:
"Should we get back together?" "If you want to. It's gonna play out however its meant to be no matter what."
"I can't believe he didn't tell me that when we were dating!" "I can't either, what a jerk!"
"Every girl I've been with has cheated on me." "I'm so sorry, That wasn't right of her."
They were both my best friends! I was not going to pick sides. We were sophomores in college for pete's sake, this wasn't silly high school drama anymore.
But I had drama festering inside that was begging to get out.
I liked Cole.
And as awful as it may seem, I realized it when their relationship started getting rocky. We all got drunk one night and I cuddled him when we pushed all the beds together in the hotel room. I woke up the next morning with the worst guilty feeling in my stomach and knew it wasn't right. "Oh God, I still like him," I realized. "Even after 2 years". I didn't tell anyone for a whole month, which is hard for me because I cannot keep a secret. I let myself think on it, make sure it was true, and then I told two of my friends: Katy and Jake.
Katy was not happy. "How long has this been going on?" "He's taken!" "You have to make it stop."
And I knew she was right. So I shoved it down, just like I did three years ago. It was a little harder the second time.
Jake was a little less worried. After many questions and discussion, he said, "You can't help how you feel, I believe you. If it works out, then it works out, but it might not either." We talked for what seemed like forever on the pros and cons of both scenarios and it soon same to be clear that both sides were awful. A few more months passed by. Their break up finite, along with my feelings, unfortunately. What had changed, was how I viewed the situation.
*No matter what I decided to do, someone was going to be hurt. If I didn't do anything, it would be me. If I did, it would be my best friend. So it was time to evaluate.
Choosing to express my feelings was a jump into the unknown. I didn't know if Cole felt the same way. I didn't know how my best friend would react. I didn't know how it would affect my friend group.
But on the other hand, keeping it in, and pretending I didn't feel that way was going to be painful as well as nearly impossible. Cole read me like a book, he always knew when I was upset or when I was lying. I realized my secret wouldn't last long anyway.
Well what about all the usual questions:
What about girl code? A true friend would want her friend to be happy.
How can you not think about how they were intimate? I'm not gonna lie and say I never have, but I hardly do and it doesn't bother me. I've been with a few guys too. I'm not going to judge someone based on their past.
How can you be that girl? What girl? That girl who decided to put her own feelings first for once. That girl who waited 2 months after the break up to be honest. That girl who decided to go outside of societal norms. I'm never going to apologize for being that girl.
Why didn't you ask permission first? Does she own him? Their relationship is over. She can't make decisions in his love life anymore. (this is not to say, I didn't tell her and let her find out on her own. This is just to say that, you should not feel guilty for falling for someone. Ever.)
Well what happened?
It turns out Cole knew anyway. He felt something on that drunk night too as much as he hates to admit it. And when he broke up with his girlfriend, that feeling developed into a full fledged crush. Then Katy told him a week or so later about my feelings, but he didn't tell her he felt the same way. Instead, he waited. To be nice to his ex, to not bombard me, and to ease the load of drama that was ultimately going to blow up.
But when the first week of January rolled around after a lovely New Years Eve party with a little to much touching from Cole and the most provocative elevator ride of my life ["I'm a really good kisser, but I guess you'll never know"], I was done. I was more confused than ever and ready to get 'The Talk' over with.
I met him at his place and having built myself up in the car to thinking he didn't actually like me and it was all in my head, I was floored with his response: "Well this is awkward, but I like you too".
Great. Now what?
A pissed best friend who doesn't talk to me. A group of shocked and not so shocked friends who support us. And a wonderful new boyfriend.
Not bad.
Does my story sound similar to something you're going through? Here's some advice:
1) Be honest. Don't try and hide anything. Be straight up about how you feel to all pertinent individuals and let them know you care about them too.
2) Know that it's going to suck no matter what. (see * above) You can't make everyone happy. I decided to make myself happy, but it wasn't all roses from there on out. You will have to deal with other people's comments and your own mixed feelings. Take it one day it a time.
3) Stand true to your convictions. Make a choice and stick with it. You can't go back once you tell him how you feel, so make sure its a good decision. Take into account all your feelings from your head, heart, and gut.
-Nikki
Well, I'm tired of being a doormat, that's why.
But, here's a little history and background for those who care (if not, resume at the *):
I've known this guy for almost four years now. Our junior year of high school, I met both him and my best friend on the same day. I thought he was cute and I thought she was super nice. With all my friends just having moved to the new school in the district and my old group slowly shattering, I jumped on the chance to make new friends. I was super crushing hard on this guy and I told all my new girl friends, them also gushing about their own high school crushes. I didn't really know how to talk to guys at the time though and it seemed like every encounter I had with him was so nerve-racking for me. He was super sweet about it though! Second semester hit and so did another bomb: my best friend and my crush were dating! She hadn't even bothered to tell me because she was afraid to hurt my feelings and I had to hear it from another friend. I was a little hurt at first, but I had only been crushing on the guy for a few months and I loved seeing her happy so I let it go. I didn't want to start drama. Our friend group, but it was more of a second family, as we still call it today, was growing, adding his guy-friends and all of our gal-pals. We were a force to be reckoned with: football games, dances, late night food runs, and summer camping trips. I had a boyfriend and a couple flings come and go. We had a couple other break ups rock the group, but in one the girl left and got engrossed in college, and the other got back together a few months later.
Then my best friend started telling me about this other guy. He really liked her and she felt bad about hanging out and texting him, but her boyfriend was being lazy and not being there for her when she needed it. At this point, I would say I was equally best friends with both her and my old crush, but he wasn't my crush anymore, he was just Cole. We had really similar personalities and never felt awkward around each other (except when my best friend would joke about me being flirty with him. NOTE: He was flirty with all the girls in our group and I was flirty with all the guys in our group. It's how we functioned. We were all too close to be any other way.).
So when she cheated on Cole (kissing the other guy), it hit me hard. I struggled to try and comfort both of them, obviously giving more time to my best friend, but also trying to keep an ear open for Cole. My advice was always honest:
"Should we get back together?" "If you want to. It's gonna play out however its meant to be no matter what."
"I can't believe he didn't tell me that when we were dating!" "I can't either, what a jerk!"
"Every girl I've been with has cheated on me." "I'm so sorry, That wasn't right of her."
They were both my best friends! I was not going to pick sides. We were sophomores in college for pete's sake, this wasn't silly high school drama anymore.
But I had drama festering inside that was begging to get out.
I liked Cole.
And as awful as it may seem, I realized it when their relationship started getting rocky. We all got drunk one night and I cuddled him when we pushed all the beds together in the hotel room. I woke up the next morning with the worst guilty feeling in my stomach and knew it wasn't right. "Oh God, I still like him," I realized. "Even after 2 years". I didn't tell anyone for a whole month, which is hard for me because I cannot keep a secret. I let myself think on it, make sure it was true, and then I told two of my friends: Katy and Jake.
Katy was not happy. "How long has this been going on?" "He's taken!" "You have to make it stop."
And I knew she was right. So I shoved it down, just like I did three years ago. It was a little harder the second time.
Jake was a little less worried. After many questions and discussion, he said, "You can't help how you feel, I believe you. If it works out, then it works out, but it might not either." We talked for what seemed like forever on the pros and cons of both scenarios and it soon same to be clear that both sides were awful. A few more months passed by. Their break up finite, along with my feelings, unfortunately. What had changed, was how I viewed the situation.
*No matter what I decided to do, someone was going to be hurt. If I didn't do anything, it would be me. If I did, it would be my best friend. So it was time to evaluate.
Choosing to express my feelings was a jump into the unknown. I didn't know if Cole felt the same way. I didn't know how my best friend would react. I didn't know how it would affect my friend group.
But on the other hand, keeping it in, and pretending I didn't feel that way was going to be painful as well as nearly impossible. Cole read me like a book, he always knew when I was upset or when I was lying. I realized my secret wouldn't last long anyway.
Well what about all the usual questions:
What about girl code? A true friend would want her friend to be happy.
How can you not think about how they were intimate? I'm not gonna lie and say I never have, but I hardly do and it doesn't bother me. I've been with a few guys too. I'm not going to judge someone based on their past.
How can you be that girl? What girl? That girl who decided to put her own feelings first for once. That girl who waited 2 months after the break up to be honest. That girl who decided to go outside of societal norms. I'm never going to apologize for being that girl.
Why didn't you ask permission first? Does she own him? Their relationship is over. She can't make decisions in his love life anymore. (this is not to say, I didn't tell her and let her find out on her own. This is just to say that, you should not feel guilty for falling for someone. Ever.)
Well what happened?
It turns out Cole knew anyway. He felt something on that drunk night too as much as he hates to admit it. And when he broke up with his girlfriend, that feeling developed into a full fledged crush. Then Katy told him a week or so later about my feelings, but he didn't tell her he felt the same way. Instead, he waited. To be nice to his ex, to not bombard me, and to ease the load of drama that was ultimately going to blow up.
But when the first week of January rolled around after a lovely New Years Eve party with a little to much touching from Cole and the most provocative elevator ride of my life ["I'm a really good kisser, but I guess you'll never know"], I was done. I was more confused than ever and ready to get 'The Talk' over with.
I met him at his place and having built myself up in the car to thinking he didn't actually like me and it was all in my head, I was floored with his response: "Well this is awkward, but I like you too".
Great. Now what?
A pissed best friend who doesn't talk to me. A group of shocked and not so shocked friends who support us. And a wonderful new boyfriend.
Not bad.
Does my story sound similar to something you're going through? Here's some advice:
1) Be honest. Don't try and hide anything. Be straight up about how you feel to all pertinent individuals and let them know you care about them too.
2) Know that it's going to suck no matter what. (see * above) You can't make everyone happy. I decided to make myself happy, but it wasn't all roses from there on out. You will have to deal with other people's comments and your own mixed feelings. Take it one day it a time.
3) Stand true to your convictions. Make a choice and stick with it. You can't go back once you tell him how you feel, so make sure its a good decision. Take into account all your feelings from your head, heart, and gut.
-Nikki
Monday, July 22, 2013
What you REALLY need to bring to a college dorm (A List)
Hey guys,
Last year was my first year at OSU (OH-! haha) and I was flabbergasted on what to bring since I didn't really have any older friends and my brother was useless (but I still love him!). So I searched the internet for the most in depth, mostly girl-oriented (sorry fellas) lists I could find, and I have to say my freshman year in the dorms was pretty sweet. So here's what I found, tried out, and loved:
1.) Fan
-whether you have air conditioning or not, it's probably not going to be up to your usual standards and without it sleeping will be miserable
2.) Some form of file back-up
-your laptop might come with it, you could get an external hard drive, flash drive, or I've been using Google Drive for free and it has been a God-send.
3.) Sticky Wall Hooks
-Start out with like 5-10 and then get more if you need them. They are amazing for jackets, bags, scarves, hats, and I even hang my curling iron, hair dryer, and flat iron on them by my mirror. Get all the counter space you can!
4.) Storage
-If you can help it, don't buy any storage bins/shelves/whatever until you've actually seen the space you'll be living in. That way you can find out what you ACTUALLY need. I only brought a 4 storage crates (cheap from walmart) that I stacked up next to my bed so it doubled as an alarm clock stand. Boom! Done.
5.) Desk Lamp
-You're going to need light for studying (and eating when you're roommate's snoozing lol) so get a cute one in your favorite color to brighten your desk.
6.) Power Socket Board
-You have a lot of crap to plug in (unless you don't have a phone, laptop, TV, printer, flat iron, alarm clock, microwave or fridge).
6.) Containers for the Bling
-My favorite way to organize jewelry is on my bulletin board. Just pin up the cardboard squares your earrings come on (our cut your own), drape your necklaces/bracelets/headbands and now you also have more decoration for your wall (yay :)). Try pinning pictures of your and your pals before the jewelry and painting the frame to jazz it up.
-Other options- silverware organizers for your drawer can also hold jewelry, jewelry trees from Claire's and the like are really cute too, or just plop it in that cute box you've always had
7.) Decoration
-Pictures: not only are they great for wall decoration, but also for letting your roommate know that you are a normal person who can make friends (not like they doubted you or anything).
-Posters: display what you love and fill those gross pale walls (I made a collage from my old Seventeen magazines full of inspiring quotes and stuck it next to my desk to cheer me up during my study blues)
-Lights: Christmas string lights can make a lofted bed feel like a fortress or turn your ceiling into a night sky. Just make sure your roommate's cool with them.
8.) An Adorable Bed-set
-Just splurge on that Bed Bath and Beyond super pack of beautiful fabric. You're gonna be sleeping on it for the next four years (even in your apartment) so you might as well be in love with it.
9.) One extra chair
-Your dorm will probably come with one desk chair, but you'll need another. It can be one of those squishy bean bags or a full fledged futon, but I'm guessing you're probably going to have other people come into your room at some point and they're going to need a place to sit. Or maybe your back will hurt after sitting in the same seat and you need to switch it up mid-study session or you'll fail Calc tomorrow. You can thank me later.
10.) Clothing Solutions (my ideas)
-newspaper or better for lining your drawers
-hangers and a basket for your shoes in the closet
-over the door hooks for scarves and belts to grab on the way out the door
-a tub for storing clothes for next season under your bed or in high cabinets
11.) Accordion file
-Now that you're living on your own, you have to start keeping important receipts and forms organized. This is one way to do it.
12.) Minimal school supplies
-I'm pretty sure you can just survive off of paper, pencils/pens, and one three ring binder per semester, but use whatever tools work best for you. I would also recommend a personal stapler and three-hole-punch so you don't have to trek to the library
13.) Shower Caddy and flipflops
-For navigating that route to the showers down the hall and avoiding fungi and what not from other kids.
14.) That Thing You Love
-Your favorite teddy bear, volleyball, or pair of heels. Bring one thing just for the purpose of cheering you up or feeling at home.
15.) Med-kit
-bandaids, cough drops, ibuprofen/advil, neosporin, ace bandage wrap, thermometer, daily vitamin and other medications
-Save a trip to the clinic with these quick fixes
*Things You Can Get By Without*
-TV: I never had a problem finding my favorite shows on my laptop and they usually stream important news/sports/events live. Plus, dorms usually have one in the lobby or basement.
-Printer: it's usually a nickel per page at the library and easy to grab on the way to class
-Food From Home: only bring a couple favorites because most schools require you to have a meal plan when you live in the dorms and you'll want to get your money's worth. If this isn't the case at your school, stock away!
Last year was my first year at OSU (OH-! haha) and I was flabbergasted on what to bring since I didn't really have any older friends and my brother was useless (but I still love him!). So I searched the internet for the most in depth, mostly girl-oriented (sorry fellas) lists I could find, and I have to say my freshman year in the dorms was pretty sweet. So here's what I found, tried out, and loved:
1.) Fan
-whether you have air conditioning or not, it's probably not going to be up to your usual standards and without it sleeping will be miserable
2.) Some form of file back-up
-your laptop might come with it, you could get an external hard drive, flash drive, or I've been using Google Drive for free and it has been a God-send.
3.) Sticky Wall Hooks
-Start out with like 5-10 and then get more if you need them. They are amazing for jackets, bags, scarves, hats, and I even hang my curling iron, hair dryer, and flat iron on them by my mirror. Get all the counter space you can!
4.) Storage
-If you can help it, don't buy any storage bins/shelves/whatever until you've actually seen the space you'll be living in. That way you can find out what you ACTUALLY need. I only brought a 4 storage crates (cheap from walmart) that I stacked up next to my bed so it doubled as an alarm clock stand. Boom! Done.
5.) Desk Lamp
-You're going to need light for studying (and eating when you're roommate's snoozing lol) so get a cute one in your favorite color to brighten your desk.
6.) Power Socket Board
-You have a lot of crap to plug in (unless you don't have a phone, laptop, TV, printer, flat iron, alarm clock, microwave or fridge).
6.) Containers for the Bling
-My favorite way to organize jewelry is on my bulletin board. Just pin up the cardboard squares your earrings come on (our cut your own), drape your necklaces/bracelets/headbands and now you also have more decoration for your wall (yay :)). Try pinning pictures of your and your pals before the jewelry and painting the frame to jazz it up.
-Other options- silverware organizers for your drawer can also hold jewelry, jewelry trees from Claire's and the like are really cute too, or just plop it in that cute box you've always had
7.) Decoration
-Pictures: not only are they great for wall decoration, but also for letting your roommate know that you are a normal person who can make friends (not like they doubted you or anything).
-Posters: display what you love and fill those gross pale walls (I made a collage from my old Seventeen magazines full of inspiring quotes and stuck it next to my desk to cheer me up during my study blues)
-Lights: Christmas string lights can make a lofted bed feel like a fortress or turn your ceiling into a night sky. Just make sure your roommate's cool with them.
8.) An Adorable Bed-set
-Just splurge on that Bed Bath and Beyond super pack of beautiful fabric. You're gonna be sleeping on it for the next four years (even in your apartment) so you might as well be in love with it.
9.) One extra chair
-Your dorm will probably come with one desk chair, but you'll need another. It can be one of those squishy bean bags or a full fledged futon, but I'm guessing you're probably going to have other people come into your room at some point and they're going to need a place to sit. Or maybe your back will hurt after sitting in the same seat and you need to switch it up mid-study session or you'll fail Calc tomorrow. You can thank me later.
10.) Clothing Solutions (my ideas)
-newspaper or better for lining your drawers
-hangers and a basket for your shoes in the closet
-over the door hooks for scarves and belts to grab on the way out the door
-a tub for storing clothes for next season under your bed or in high cabinets
11.) Accordion file
-Now that you're living on your own, you have to start keeping important receipts and forms organized. This is one way to do it.
12.) Minimal school supplies
-I'm pretty sure you can just survive off of paper, pencils/pens, and one three ring binder per semester, but use whatever tools work best for you. I would also recommend a personal stapler and three-hole-punch so you don't have to trek to the library
13.) Shower Caddy and flipflops
-For navigating that route to the showers down the hall and avoiding fungi and what not from other kids.
14.) That Thing You Love
-Your favorite teddy bear, volleyball, or pair of heels. Bring one thing just for the purpose of cheering you up or feeling at home.
15.) Med-kit
-bandaids, cough drops, ibuprofen/advil, neosporin, ace bandage wrap, thermometer, daily vitamin and other medications
-Save a trip to the clinic with these quick fixes
*Things You Can Get By Without*
-TV: I never had a problem finding my favorite shows on my laptop and they usually stream important news/sports/events live. Plus, dorms usually have one in the lobby or basement.
-Printer: it's usually a nickel per page at the library and easy to grab on the way to class
-Food From Home: only bring a couple favorites because most schools require you to have a meal plan when you live in the dorms and you'll want to get your money's worth. If this isn't the case at your school, stock away!
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
First Post
When you start getting frustrated because twitter is too small to convey all your thoughts and no one wants to hear your rants on facebook, it's about time to get a blog. I heard journaling is supposed to help people deal with feelings and right now I've got quite a few of those. And you never know, I might be able to connect to other people and their feels too.
But before we begin, where are my manners? My name is Nichole and as my blog title suggests, I am indeed a ginger (the kind that freckles and burns in the sun, but with darker hair color). I'm nineteen years old and...... already getting bored of this post LOL. That should be enough, right?
Happy reading!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)